It's almost here...

    Well, it's almost Wednesday.  The DAY of the appt. we've been waiting to go to.  I really was ok with everything.  I was dealing well, I wasn't stressing too bad.  My sweet cousin Rachele dropped off some essential oils the other day and suggested that I go get a journal.  So I did.  And I have been using the oils ~ though diluted.  They are too strong for me on their own.  And between all the people who have been asking about us and being super sweet, I really have been ok.   Then last night I had a horrible dream.  The dream itself wasn't too bad, it was the way it left me feeling inside after it was done.  It was about Cameron's surgery, and while we were preparing him for it they came to get blood and it took a bunch of us to hold him down and he was scared and screaming and through all this, my dad who was supposed to be there, wasn't anywhere to be found. So I was in a panic over Cameron, but also worried about my dad.  So I woke up feeling crappy.   Then some other things happened at home that just made the day go from bad to worse.  


    Pat has to work tonight, so I decided that since it's just me and Cameron home we'll order a pizza and then go look at Christmas lights.   I am trying to be positive but it's hard. The weather isn't helping. (those that know me know that overcast conditions are not my friend.)  
   I've had so many wonderful people offer to listen and be here if I need them and I had been talking to my sweet mother in law about a lot of it, but I feel like all I ever do is vent and complain (sometimes about Pat, and I feel bad talking to her about that. I don't want her to ever feel like she has to choose a side. Cause I'm honestly not asking her too) So today I decided to stop venting to her. So I have a position available if anyone wants it. LOL  I know that she'd tell me I was being silly and to not worry about it, but I do. And that is one thing I can stop doing and stop worrying about.  

The other day some one (I think I've narrowed it down to 2 possibles) left some cookies, a jug of punch and a can of calming purple stuff on our porch.   Pat and I were home and had just finished eating when the doorbell rang.  He looked at me and asked if I was expecting anyone, to which I replied that I was not.  So he went to answer it and then I hear "O....kayyyyy...."   and he bends down to grab it off the porch.  It was very sweet of them. So if you are reading this, THANK YOU!!! 

   I'm worried about some thing else now...   And I know that I am all over the place with my topics but I'm trying to get these out as fast as they are coming and they are not always coming in order.  So please bare with me.   Anyway, I know that health scares can bring families closer together and it can tear some of them apart.... While I won't say that it's tearing us apart, it's definitely not bringing us closer together either. So I'm afraid that eventually it would tear us apart.   And by no means does Cameron have a life threatening condition.  Its life altering for sure, but not so much life threatening.  But Pat and I don't ever, and I mean EVER talk about it, we seem to be fighting more, some of which I know I start.  But I am not, and I know that this will come as a shock to many of you, but I am NOT super woman.  I can't do it all.  And I can't do it all alone.  I feel so bad for my friends who do have to do it all alone cause I have no idea how they do it.  I need help here at home, and yet now seems to be the time when everyone else wants a piece from Pat.   So he's going off to help everyone else and I'm home dealing with Cameron.  In fact, and I'm not proud of this, he left for work today and I barely spoke to him.  I have told him I need him home more and he asks why, and because I don't have specific answers for him, I feel like he blows me off.  I honestly feel like I am his last priority lately.  (I probably shouldn't be saying all this so publicly, I HONESTLY do love my husband and I know that he loves me) I just need for him to show me differently than he is now.  I got in the shower today and cried because of all the tension.   I hate it.  I really was doing so well earlier this week.  I was at peace and had given all my worries over to the Lord, having FAITH that He would see me through this.  I still know that He will.... but how will Pat and I still be on the other side of this??  Will we be back to normal?? Will we be better than we were?  Or will we be struggling to hang on to each other and our marriage.  I don't want the last option.   I want us happy and healthy like we were.   
    Now, how to do that??? I feel resentful towards the people taking him away from me,  and some of them are family and so now I feel horrible for feeling that way towards them.  But I don't know how to change that either unless I just stop expecting Pat home and pull up my big girl panties and do it all alone anyway.  Maybe that's what I'll have to start doing. 

Anyway, just my thoughts.... I hoped that like last time, sharing my thoughts would help me to feel better.   And please, if you comment please don't bash Pat.  He is trying in his own way to deal with this and unfortunately for me, I don't understand his way.  Just like he doesn't understand mine.  I do love Pat and am grateful that he works so hard and provides us with everything so that I don't have to work.   He is a great husband, we are just on different planets right now and trying to find each other.