So Frustrating.... and also Biopsy's

                   Last Wednesday we had the appt. with the new specialist.   He was super nice.  But when I walked in I thought I had some answers, when I walked out, I had none!  He was very professional and very kind, but he just wouldn't say one way or the other about what it might be.  He wouldn't tell me it still wasn't cancer, he wouldn't say it was Osteoblastoma either.   He just wouldn't say one way or the other.  He was concerned about the rate of growth, and with Cameron's hearing.  So he sent us next door, which was in the same building, just across the hall to do a hearing test.   That was the highlight of Cameron's whole day.   They said that his nerve is still great and he can hear really well from that, its the canal that has the obstruction.  Which we knew already.   His ear canal is being pushed down and blocking his ear drum and 2 of the 3 bones in his ear are eroded.  His hearing was very bad on that side.
       Then the doctor said that he wanted a biopsy done and went to schedule it.  He came back and said that it was scheduled for the next day.  The hospital called and said he couldn't eat or drink after 9pm.  So we had to scramble to get him ready for a small surgery.  The only thing he complained about was that he was hungry and thirsty. And the most of that happened when he was given the medicine to relax.   We were told to be there at 115, and the surgery would be at about 3-330.  They didn't come to take him back until after 4.  Then he was in surgery for an hour and then recovery for awhile.  They called me to come back to the recovery room before he fully woke up.  That made me feel better.   I don't know about Cameron, but it sure did me.    It took awhile for him to wake up and drink before he could come home.  He came home and rested for a few days and is good as new... sorta.  He has a scar behind his ear, which according to the doctor is healing nicely.  He has to keep the area mostly dry until the stitches are gone.   They will dissolve. Then he wanted us back today so that he could check how he was healing and if there were answers back discuss them.  (I wrote the top half after I wrote the second half when I realized I hadn't talked about the biopsy yet.)

    

   We are back from doctors office.   Still no answers!!!  I am getting so frustrated. I am so happy that they are being so thorough, but we've been going to all these different doctors and are being told one thing and then another.   

    I really do like Dr. Sharma.  He has been so nice and he seems like he really does care.   But I found out today that he might not be the one to do the surgery?!?   He was the specialist the specialist sent us to.  If he's not doing it, who's going to do it???  

   So, our news from today:   Dr Sharma said that they talked about Cameron's case in their little counsel thing and they are all in agreement that they don't think it's the normal type cancers.   They feel its not malignant at this time.  Yet none of them know what it is.  Or have any idea.   He said that there is a pathologist here who is one of the top in the country who is the next one to read Cameron's biopsy. He said he might not be the last one to see or try to read them, but he is the next one.   Then when they find out for sure what it is (and that might take longer than he first thought), he'll call me to discuss the results and then we'll schedule ANOTHER CT scan, but this one will be a specialized scan of his right temporal bone something or other.  He said that Mountain Medical Imagining can do the scan again so Cameron can see his friend Kirk there.  And I'm so glad it's a CT scan and not an MRI.   The CT doesn't take as long and he shouldn't have to have contrast.  He said they want an exact image of what's going on and what's being affected.

   He said that when they figure out what it is then they will figure out what they are going to do and how to take it out.  He said that he might not be the one who does the surgery.... So we will be seeing Doctor # 6!!!!   I really am getting tired of going to all these specialist who keep sending me to specialist!! How many more specialties do they need? Dr Sharma should have been the last one.  He's the major head and neck surgeon... who else does he need to see?? How much higher up are we going to have to go? Is that the way it even works? Maybe we are just going sideways.   Though it feels like we are going forward and then back again sometimes... 

    The surgery definitely won't be before Christmas so he can have a good Christmas and not be in pain.  It's just me that has to worry... and I don't have to worry, but I will be worrying.  It's my right to do so. lol

   He did so well on his biopsy. He didn't complain about pain much but has had several night terrors since then.   He didn't sleep well at all once the bandages came off. So he stayed home from school Monday and Tuesday. (the bandages came off Sunday night).   

   He really is a trooper.  He has handled all this with an amazing attitude.  He has been just as happy and pleasant as he ever is.   I don't know how he does it, but I want to be like him when I grow up.  Even when he wasn't feeling the best he was still trying to be happy.  I will be taking lessons from him for sure.    He woke up from the anesthesia so peaceful and calm, and they said that most kids wake up fighting or mad.  I even had a few friends caution me that that might happen.  I got lucky this time I guess. Pat even made it to the hospital just after they wheeled Cameron into recovery.  So when he woke up his dad was there.  He really liked that. 
  
   So that's what has been going on... and I still have no answers.   And I'm getting so tired of going from one doctor to have them send me to another doctor.  

It's almost here...

    Well, it's almost Wednesday.  The DAY of the appt. we've been waiting to go to.  I really was ok with everything.  I was dealing well, I wasn't stressing too bad.  My sweet cousin Rachele dropped off some essential oils the other day and suggested that I go get a journal.  So I did.  And I have been using the oils ~ though diluted.  They are too strong for me on their own.  And between all the people who have been asking about us and being super sweet, I really have been ok.   Then last night I had a horrible dream.  The dream itself wasn't too bad, it was the way it left me feeling inside after it was done.  It was about Cameron's surgery, and while we were preparing him for it they came to get blood and it took a bunch of us to hold him down and he was scared and screaming and through all this, my dad who was supposed to be there, wasn't anywhere to be found. So I was in a panic over Cameron, but also worried about my dad.  So I woke up feeling crappy.   Then some other things happened at home that just made the day go from bad to worse.  


    Pat has to work tonight, so I decided that since it's just me and Cameron home we'll order a pizza and then go look at Christmas lights.   I am trying to be positive but it's hard. The weather isn't helping. (those that know me know that overcast conditions are not my friend.)  
   I've had so many wonderful people offer to listen and be here if I need them and I had been talking to my sweet mother in law about a lot of it, but I feel like all I ever do is vent and complain (sometimes about Pat, and I feel bad talking to her about that. I don't want her to ever feel like she has to choose a side. Cause I'm honestly not asking her too) So today I decided to stop venting to her. So I have a position available if anyone wants it. LOL  I know that she'd tell me I was being silly and to not worry about it, but I do. And that is one thing I can stop doing and stop worrying about.  

The other day some one (I think I've narrowed it down to 2 possibles) left some cookies, a jug of punch and a can of calming purple stuff on our porch.   Pat and I were home and had just finished eating when the doorbell rang.  He looked at me and asked if I was expecting anyone, to which I replied that I was not.  So he went to answer it and then I hear "O....kayyyyy...."   and he bends down to grab it off the porch.  It was very sweet of them. So if you are reading this, THANK YOU!!! 

   I'm worried about some thing else now...   And I know that I am all over the place with my topics but I'm trying to get these out as fast as they are coming and they are not always coming in order.  So please bare with me.   Anyway, I know that health scares can bring families closer together and it can tear some of them apart.... While I won't say that it's tearing us apart, it's definitely not bringing us closer together either. So I'm afraid that eventually it would tear us apart.   And by no means does Cameron have a life threatening condition.  Its life altering for sure, but not so much life threatening.  But Pat and I don't ever, and I mean EVER talk about it, we seem to be fighting more, some of which I know I start.  But I am not, and I know that this will come as a shock to many of you, but I am NOT super woman.  I can't do it all.  And I can't do it all alone.  I feel so bad for my friends who do have to do it all alone cause I have no idea how they do it.  I need help here at home, and yet now seems to be the time when everyone else wants a piece from Pat.   So he's going off to help everyone else and I'm home dealing with Cameron.  In fact, and I'm not proud of this, he left for work today and I barely spoke to him.  I have told him I need him home more and he asks why, and because I don't have specific answers for him, I feel like he blows me off.  I honestly feel like I am his last priority lately.  (I probably shouldn't be saying all this so publicly, I HONESTLY do love my husband and I know that he loves me) I just need for him to show me differently than he is now.  I got in the shower today and cried because of all the tension.   I hate it.  I really was doing so well earlier this week.  I was at peace and had given all my worries over to the Lord, having FAITH that He would see me through this.  I still know that He will.... but how will Pat and I still be on the other side of this??  Will we be back to normal?? Will we be better than we were?  Or will we be struggling to hang on to each other and our marriage.  I don't want the last option.   I want us happy and healthy like we were.   
    Now, how to do that??? I feel resentful towards the people taking him away from me,  and some of them are family and so now I feel horrible for feeling that way towards them.  But I don't know how to change that either unless I just stop expecting Pat home and pull up my big girl panties and do it all alone anyway.  Maybe that's what I'll have to start doing. 

Anyway, just my thoughts.... I hoped that like last time, sharing my thoughts would help me to feel better.   And please, if you comment please don't bash Pat.  He is trying in his own way to deal with this and unfortunately for me, I don't understand his way.  Just like he doesn't understand mine.  I do love Pat and am grateful that he works so hard and provides us with everything so that I don't have to work.   He is a great husband, we are just on different planets right now and trying to find each other.